RELATIONSHIP ME 

     Yesterday I was finishing an exercise I was doing for Relationship YOU where I had to tick off all the needs I felt weren't being met within my relationship.

     I started to tick this one, that one, another one, another, and so on. Then I sat back and read through what I'd ticked and thought deeply about each one. Itwasn't true. I'd simply gone through and ticked the ones I thought I should choose because those were the ones that represented issues within me that required a little effort to make them work.

     Each tick represented a superficial, unimportant gripe. Nothing more. After thirty years of marriage, I think, if you don't have any silly little gripes,then you're not really engaged in the marriage. Or you're lying to yourself.The fact is that two very different people can't live in total peace and harmony 100% of the time. It would be unrealistic to think that could be so.

     I went back over my list again and really thought deeply about each issue I'd ticked. What I discovered was quite amazing. All of my real needs are being met. Those deeper, emotional and physical needs were being looked after either by both my husband and I, or by myself.

     Why was I so ready to tick off all those things that caused annoyance? I guess it is easy after so many years to be superficial within a marriage. He goes off to work. I stay here and do the housework, the accounts, the gardening, whatever. He comes home grouchy. I avoid him until he calms down. We eat. We go to bed. We sleep. We get up and he goes to work and I stay home. We’d both become lazy in our marriage. We were not making those extra little efforts it takes to recreate ourselves and refresh our relationship. We were settling for what was instead of reaching for what could be.

     As years pass, it's very easy to get into a dull routine. We start to take each other for granted, and then we start to take the relationship for granted. However, I've noticed some changes lately, in both of us. Since starting Relationship YOU and zeroing in on the important issues within myself that I wanted to change, I've noticed that our relationship has changed. I'm now being treated with more respect. My personal boundaries are not being stepped on. He's even asking me how I feel about things.

     Oh my God! The first time he asked that, I just stood and stared. I was so shocked. He had to repeat the question. We're starting to have real conversations about real issues and emotions, not just superficial chit chat. And it matters!

     I realized how much I'd missed this kind of intimacy for so many years. I also realized how easy it is to forget to talk like this. You get into that same old routine and out the window go some important things such as real companionship and partnership. You go back to being just two people living in the same house.

     So, in the immortal words of my fairy godmother, Maia, what did I learn? I learned that I am an uncomplicated person who can learn to be happy with what little I have. That's not always a good thing. It means that I will very easily settle for less than I deserve and then tell myself I’m happy with that. I will actually tell myself that I don’t deserve any more than what I’ve got.

      It’s that old childhood conditioning rearing its ugly head again. I have to remind myself that I’m not the same person I used to be. I’m newly remade.

     Now that I'm standing up and being my true self, I am demanding more from my husband - in a good way - and he's delivering. I’m teaching myself at the same time. I’m learning to identify what it is I truly want our marriage to be and I’m learning how to make that happen. Instead of retreating within myself when things aren't working in my relationship, I'm now actively changing what it is about me that makes these things not work.

     When I change that, it also changes everything else. I’m taking responsibility for my own part in all of this.  I’m not just leaving it up to someone else to make be happy, or to give me what I want. I’m doing my own work on myself – and it’s working. In other words, what I put out, I get back.

      That's true of most things in life, especially relationships. You get out of it what you are prepared to put into it, and when it works it's wonderful.

"Being right is highly overrated. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day." ~ Unknown

I had to laugh when I read this. It's so very true. Or, at least, it is true for me.

I released myself from my overburdening need to always be right. It was a left-over from my childhood. I was put down, made fun of, ridiculed, and derided so much by my adopted mother that, by the time I was a teenager, I had this need to please, to always do good, and to not ever be wrong about anything.

What a pain in the arse I must have been!

Through my spiritual journey over many years of my adult life, I learned that I could just be me and it was okay for me to be wrong. It sounds so simple, doesn't it? Just be wrong sometimes. Not know the answer. Not understand what the conversation is about. All of that. Easy.

Wrong! Not easy at all for me. I had to break that life time of conditioning first. I had to be wrong and learn to be confident enough in myself that it didn't matter to me that I was wrong. I needed to find my true self first.

Maybe I took the long way around when it came to this problem. But then again, there is no right or wrong when it comes to spiritual learning. We each have our lessons to learn and we each learn them at different stages in our lives, in different time spans. We are all unique.

I found that the more I got to know my true self, the more confidence I had when it came to being wrong. I was able to listen to others properly - and that was what made the difference.

I was able to hear what they meant, not just what they said or the way they said it. I could hear what was behind the words. Listening in this way taught me much. I learned that there are truths in everything if you open your mind to them.

I learned that it was okay to be wrong about things, and to change my mind and my way of thinking about those things too. In a way, I set myself free from the burden of always needing to be right.

If I was right, I was right and that was good. If I was wrong, then I had some things to think about, and that was good.

When I found out I was wrong, I needed to free myself from the shame and guilt that always arise because of it. It was like a revelation to me. I was able to be wrong and to forgive myself for not knowing. I could even admit I was wrong - right out loud - and ask for more information or opinions so I could think the matter over.

Wow! Freedom!

It was like a mini freeing of the spirit within me. I could release all that guilt, shame, burden, weight of righteousness. I could be me without it all.

Now I'm free to be right or wrong, and free to change my mind about any or all of it. This is a gift of inner knowledge that I'm truly grateful for.

Doormat to Diva

Personal boundaries were the bane of my existence. For the first half of my life I had no idea what they even were. Learning how to use my boundaries and stick to them was a huge journey for me.

I eventually did learn how to put up my personal boundaries in a healthy and respectful way. These days, I have established my boundaries and I make myself responsible for keeping them. I let others know when they've stepped over the line, and I'm not afraid to stand up for myself now - thanks to YOU Uni and Maia's teachings.

This wasn't the way I used to be, though. I only learned how to handle my own boundaries very recently, while going through YOU Uni. I find that I'm free now to enjoy friends I might have stayed away from because I was afraid they'd only use me again - and I was afraid that I'd let them. I'm so grateful to Maia for teaching me how to do this. I'm also proud of myself for getting over my fear of hurting other people's feelings and allowing them to walk all over me. I can identify the signs now when people step close to my boundaries, and I can head them off before they actually step over the line and drive the situation into a ditch. I'm still new at this, but it feels empowering to take responsibility for what you allow others to do and say to you.

Boundaries are hard. I think those of us around this age [50s], women in particular, have been brought up to believe that we don't have a right to boundaries. I certainly never felt I had a right to any. I was always taught to do anything an adult told me to do, say anything they told me to say, not to question, not to complain, just do as I was told and shut up about it. My God! I was so lucky I never came up against a child molester. I would have allowed them to do anything and never would have said anything to anyone. God certainly was looking after me.

These early childhood attitudes were reinforced when during my school life I was told to do everything a teacher told me to do, or else. Then later, to do everything the boss told me to do or I'd lose my job.

You can see how that stupid old belief kept being ingrained within me throughout my life. It was so hard to break through all that conditioning. I thought to put up boundaries was to be mean or nasty, or cut myself off from others. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to become like all those around me who I saw as bullies. I had the wrong impression of what boundaries were. In fact, I don't think I had any idea at all of what boundaries were.

Now, through YOU Uni, I know what personal and professional boundaries are, and that they are a healthy thing. I was a real door mat type, but now, I feel free from those old feelings of not being worthy of personal boundaries. It is very empowering.

I had to practice, though. I had to start out with tiny little boundaries and work my way up to the big ones. It took time. At first I'd draw the line in the sand and then back down when others stepped over it. I had to teach myself how to stand firm, without fear, without hesitation. It was a struggle for me to learn this.

I don't have trouble with boundaries now. And I don't have trouble telling my friends and family that this is how I feel about [whatever] and to leave it at that so they can either accept it or not.

I guess that's the key to personal boundaries. You say, "Hey, this is who I am and this is what I'll accept. Now I'm leaving it up to you whether or not you can accept that."

I had to get over my paralysing fear, though. It was overwhelming and stopped me from putting any boundaries up. Like I said, I had to start out with the small things - like saying no to an invitation I didn't want to attend. In the past I would just attend and be miserable rather than risk hurting a friend's feelings by not going along.

I remember when I first stood up for myself and said, "No thanks, that's not really my thing, but let me know when you go to [whatever] and I'll come with you." I practically cringed, waiting for the physical blows to fall.

My friend just said, "OK. That's cool. Catch up tomorrow."

It was like: "Oh shit! I did it. I really did it." It worked. Nobody was offended. I didn't lose a friend. Life as I knew it didn't come to an end.

I know it sounds stupid that I couldn't even say no to an invitation, but that's how I was. I can look back and laugh now. It is almost cartoon-like. I was so conditioned to being subservient to everybody that I'm amazed I even survived in the real world.

It was only my fear holding me back. I feared that everyone would be angry and turn their backs on me. I feared I'd end up all alone if I put up those boundaries. The tragedy was that it was my own family who were the worst at not allowing me to have boundaries. Even worse, I not only allowed this to continue into adulthood, I subconsciously encouraged it by my attitude towards myself.

Have you ever asked your higher self that question?

"What if they all do get angry and turn their backs on me?"

What then? Would that not say more about their small minds than your courage in speaking up? Wouldn't that show you how unworthy of your trust, your love, your time, your respect, those people are?

"If these people were friends and not family, would I allow them to treat me this way?"

So... If they were friends and not family, and they did turn their backs on you for stating your truth, what would you do?

Those are the questions I asked myself. I faced myself in the dark and faced my deepest fear - being abandoned because I stood up for myself and wanted to be true to me.

My higher self gave me an answer I didn't really want to hear, but it was the truth.

Higher Self said: "You can live without them."

I didn't want to hear that. I knew, though, that it was the truth. If the worst of the worst happened, I knew, deep down inside, that I would be alright, that I would survive, and that I would end up living the life I was always meant to live. Even if I did lose everyone I cared about over my personal boundaries, I would still be here. I would still be alright. I would have my dignity, my integrity,and I would have myself.

That was the moment I knew I could do it. I could set my personal and professional boundaries in a loving, respectful, reasonable way, and I could expect people to respect me by honoring those boundaries.

You know something? The only people who walked away when I did this were the people who only had contact with me if they wanted to use me. They could no longer get what they wanted, so they moved on.

And do you want to know something else? I haven't missed them at all.

I re-learned an old lesson today. Perhaps I needed a reminder to keep my perspective of my tiny place within the grand scheme of All There Is.

A friend was supposed to come over this afternoon for afternoon tea. I arranged my whole day around this so I'd have time to just sit and chat. She didn't arrive. She didn't even send a message to say she wasn't coming. Eventually I sent a message to her to ask if she'd forgotten. She had. We'll meet in town tomorrow instead.

I felt a little let down. This friend has a habit of forgetting me. I wasn't surprised - given her track history, but it did illustrate to me that I should not expect consideration and reliability from other people when they have repeatedly shown that they do not hold these values as being important.

Of course, I have other friends who are very considerate when they are late or can't come, and that reminds me that there are qualities about my friends and myself that I hold highly.

So why do I still persevere with this friend? Because, basically she's a nice person, and because she teaches me a lot about friendship and a lot about myself. These lessons often come with a sting, but that sting reminds me that I have a gentle, caring nature and I should be aware of how I feel when rejected or forgotten, and not become something I'm not.

What I mean is: just because my friend is inconsiderate, I am not to feel or react in the same way out of a sense of wounded ego. I do not retaliate with sharp words or do the same thing to her to "teach her a lesson". I know my friend is like this and I have accepted her as she is. Unconditional love is the lesson.

Today I learned that unconditional love is not always easy, but it brings a wonderful inner peace and acceptance along with it.

The other lesson I was reminded of today is that although I am an important part of my own day, I am not important to others. I have my place in the grand scheme of life, but I am not important to anyone but myself and those whose lives I am supposed to have an impact upon.

Sometimes friends have their minds on many other things that are important to them. This is as it should be. I am not important to everybody all the time. Nor is anyone else important to me all the time. Making time for each other and being able to get together is a blessing. It is not something to be expected and demanded. If other things have to be done during our day, then we do them in the time we are supposed to do them. Then, if there is a time we're free of other obligations, we can enjoy each others company. A blessing indeed.

I thank God and the Universe for my wonderful lessons today. I feel at peace and whole because of them.

Love and Light!

I'm feeling my aloneness today. Maybe I'm feeling my oneness with myself. Or my uniqueness. Or perhaps it is wistfulness. It's certainly not sadness. I have plenty of friends around me with whom I can meet for coffee, etc., but everything else I do, I do by myself. I study by myself, work by myself, I go everywhere by myself, even if it is to group activities. None of my friends are into the things I do. I even go to other towns to get involved in theatre and art.

This feeling was triggered by the warmth of the evening, yesterday. I stood in the last rays of the sun watching the fish make their way across our paddocks and all the water birds chasing them. It felt magical and calming. It's not at all like summer this year. Now, I think, it is more like autumn. For me autumn is a wistful time. It's a time for remembering the long hot summer days and all the outdoor fun we had.

Of course, this year, there was no outdoor fun. No swimming in the river, no surfskiing, no boating. We've had floods all summer and very few really hot days. We had mosquito plagues and locust plagues. Quite an odd year. The energy was strange this year - not the usual vibrancy of summer. It was stormy and violent.

We'll be coming into autumn next month and already the energy has changed, softened, slowed. I feel a kind of calm descending despite the threat of more storms, rain and possibly another flood.

The seasons are changing and my life is changing with them. I am learning to embrace all the seasons and their wonderfully differing energies. I have the love and support of many people around me but no true companion to share my activities or thoughts with. I've fallen through the cracks of friendship. I choose to enjoy everything I enjoy - art, theatre, my spiritual psychology studies, life coaching... My friends couldn't think of any worse pastimes than those. Strange isn't it? I've chosen friends who don't like the things I do.

You know what I think? Most of my local friends are too superficial in some ways to really connect on a deeper level with me. My friends who do connect with me deeply, live far away. Most of the time I don't mind. I'm happy just being me. But sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone riding along in the car with me as we tootle off to some activity or other.

Never mind. I'll just turn Bon Jovi up louder and sing along as I go.

Love and light, everyone!

My Inner Child surfaced last night with a full-on temper tantrum. She came out of nowhere and had me thinking right along with her for a few moments.

I was out shopping later than usual and decided that I'd grab something to eat on the way home. I had the menu all planned out in my mind and was looking forward to the night's mini-feast.

I pulled up at the place where I was going to get my beloved fried rice only to find that it was closed.

Well... the bottom lip came out, I drove off in a huff, my eyebrows practically welded themselves to the bridge of my nose. I was going to miss out on my dinner just because that shop was closed. Why does this always happen to me? It's not fair! I always miss out!

I was half way home before I caught up with myself.

"What is going on here?" I said to myself. "What is wrong with you? You didn't get your own way and now your stamping your feet and holding your breath until you turn blue?"

"GET A GRIP!"

Then I started to giggle. How quickly those thoughts took over and ran away with me! Goodness!

I never would have behaved like that as a child. I never would have dared. But there she was - Mini Me - stamping her feet and screaming out her anger and disappointment like a banshee.

Having caught myself in mid-negative thought, it was interesting to see how quickly I turned it into a laugh.

Little child me might have tried that one on a few years ago and kept me thinking along those lines all evening until I finally went to bed in a huff. Not these days. These days, I allow her to have her say, then adult me takes over and points out that the world hasn't really come to an end and there are plenty of alternatives if I really wanted to find them.

Actually... to be truthful... I kind of enjoyed my little thought tantrum and my moment of why me. It kept me in a really positive mood all evening.

Recently I had a games afternoon at my place and invited four friends around. We had a great day playing, laughing and eating.

There was just one thing that touched me with sadness and made me think back to when I was a teenager.

Being able to see and sense people's auras and feel their feelings lets me know how they're thinking, whether they're telling the truth or not, and what they think of me.

I was a bit sad to know that one of my long-time friends really doesn't hold me in high regard at all. She still kind of likes me, but there is genuine disdain within her when she looks at me.

Ouch!

That's okay with me. I don't mind whether people like me or not. It's a free world. What I don't like is insincerity. Why hang around with me? If she doesn't like me, why does she not simply move on to another circle of friends? I'm not pushing my friendship on her. I'd be okay with that.

It all reminded me of years gone by when I'd agonize over such things. People I thought were friends would smile and be friendly with me, even invite me to go places and do things with them. Then I would see inside them that they were not sincere. I always kept it all inside, and it hurt deeply. I never understood the pretense.

I thought back to all those lonely, sad days when I isolated myself so I wouldn't have to see the insincerity in other people. I held it all within and blamed myself. Somehow it was my fault that they hated me. I was different. I wasn't like them. They feared me and made fun of me behind my back while smiling to my face.

It still makes me shudder a bit, but I'm a very different person now. I grew through all those seemingly endless, tear-filled years. These days, I mostly surround myself with people who are genuine and enjoy my company as much as I enjoy theirs.

What do I think of my insincere friend today? I still regard her as a friend, but I'll keep a good watch on her aura and pay more attention to her feelings. She is there to remind me that we live in a diverse world. I have such wonderful, sincere friends, that sometimes I forget that there are others out there who don't feel that way. I don't have to be sad about that. It isn't their fault, nor mine. It is simply what it is - a difference.

It's a nice reminder to me that I can't be everything to everybody and that it is okay not to try. Those who accept me for who I am and who genuinely feel a connection, will find me, and we'll enjoy a laugh or two and a lovely mutual friendship.

Change

I’ve been thinking about change lately and how I deal with it. It’s strange how “change” has become a regular part of my life.

I thought back to my childhood, to a time when I thought change was rare. I tended to believe that things would always go on the way they were. For example: each year I thought summer would last forever, that my friends would be with me forever, that we’d always live where we lived.

That didn’t happen, of course. Summer always turned to autumn, my friends moved away and we shifted to a new house on the other side of town. To a child with no control over life, any kind of change was devastating. I’d cry and grieve for months. I never wanted anything to change, and of course everything did. I couldn’t handle it at all.

I was still a bit like that as an adult. I’d cling to what was comfortable and familiar – even if it was bad. I feared change so much that I’d stay within whatever boundaries I’d set for myself. Like a man clinging to his sinking boat, I would not let go of the rail. No, I’d sit on the bottom of the ocean with the vessel that was familiar, and mourn the loss of the sunlight on the surface.

This new entity that is me, has transformed. Change flows through me and around me all thetime. It has become the one constant in my life. My life is not chaotic,though. Far from it. Having embraced change, I have a new sense of inner peace.Change itself has become familiar. Dealing with it has become natural.

It’s anacceptance from within. I have learned that nothing stays the same and I have learned to embrace that fact.

Change can be a challenge, but it also brings new possibilities. All this has come from a change of perspective, a decision to look at life a different way. Instead of change being the big black monster that could take my life away, it has become the wind that stirs the imagination, the current that carries me from one learning experience to another.

Through all this I have learned a very valuable lesson: the more things change around me, the more I am myself.

Profound Thoughts for a Wednesday Morning

I was just thinking about the time before I was born into this lifetime and wondering what sort of conversations I had with those souls around me when I asked them to play certain roles in this coming life in order help me learn the lessons I needed to learn from physically living this life.

The veil of forgetfulness that covers our past lives and our spiritual lives does not lift just because you're aware that it is there. It is there for a good reason - so we can make the most of our physical lives and learn all that we can from each life we lead.

So...thinking back to that time before I'd finally made the decision to actually live this life physically, I wonder how I asked someone to play the role of my psychopathic adopted mother?

If you think about this for a moment in terms of actors playing a part, not just anyone can play a twisted role like that. It is highly specialized. If you want an example of great psychopathic acting, look at Heath Ledger as the Joker. Yikes!

Seriously, though, for a soul to inhabit an entire physical lifetime in which they are trapped inside a psychopathic mind - it's a big ask. It would take a very strong, very loving and giving soul to put themselves into such a position just to teach a few other souls a lesson they needed.

This puts me in awe of the role my adopted mother played in my life. I'm not sure I'd be strong enough to agree to spend almost 100 years trapped in a physical body with a demented mind. It's almost unthinkable to me. That's a huge sacrifice. A huge gift.

The lessons I learnt were unique. I know there are many people like me who grew up with one or both parents as psychopaths. You can't help but learn from that. You learn from it and grow strong, or you are broken by it. I wonder how many people are broken by it?

Now that I have released my adopted mother from the need to play the role of the psychopath to my victim role, I wonder if that is why dementia is setting in on her so swiftly? When I come to think of it, at the time of my absolute acceptance of her role and my forgiveness of her as a person, dementia began to creep in to her daily life in very noticeable ways. Is the physical energy of a lifetime of twisted thinking and constant planning of nastiness too much to bear when her time for playing that role is over?

If that is the case, then the more advanced her dementia becomes, the more of a blessing for her it will be.

Looking back on my life in this way puts a whole new perspective on it. I can't help but be humbled by the sacrifices and roles different people have played for me to reach a certain level of enlightenment in this lifetime. Yes, I know it would be a lot more complicated than that. They would also be learning lessons for themselves as well as teaching lessons to others. But just to think about something like that... Awesome!

The love these souls must have for me and others around them to agree to make such a sacrifice...! It's unfathomable, but totally awesome!

That's what my life has been so far - insignificant and ordinary, but awesome! I can't wait to see what the next phase of my life will bring. Or... as I should say: I can't wait to bring the next phase of my life into being.

Yeah! Now that's awesome!

I said goodbye to my dear old cat friend, Rambo about on December 13 at 2.45pm. He was very old physically - a good 21 years that we knew of, possibly at least ten more - and has slowly been declining over the last couple of weeks.

Every morning I've been expecting to find him curled up somewhere having died in his sleep. Rambo wasn't suffering, he was just old and tired. His body was wearing out. He lost a lot of weight and was just a skeleton with fur for the last few days.

So how did I know it was time to call the vet?

I knew. He told me. We didn't need words. I knew today that he was ready to leave this life. I didn't want his last moments to be a painful struggle, so I called the vet. I wish it didn't have to be so.

Rambo left this life the way he lived it - with quiet dignity, on his own terms, in his own time, with love in his heart and me by his side.

I'm sure going to miss my big purry furry tiger-eyes boy. I'm so proud to have been his friend.

I have peace in my mind and soul, but my heart is aching. I know his gentle old spirit and mine will meet again, but until then I can't help but grieve for the loss of my little friend.